The Prehensile and Mind-reading Skills of Lagos's Bus Conductors

Maneuvering through packed buses in busy bus stops, they can contort their bodies like a Cirque du Soleil performer or Houdini, expertly avoiding vehicles, humans, umbrellas, and backpacks.

Since I was born and now that I'm getting old, I have never seen anyone as prehensile and resilient as Lagos bus conductors. Ah, these guys are the unsung heroes of Lagos public transportation. Their prehensile prowess in jumping and sticking to the ubiquitous rickety kombi popularly called danfo or the shaky coaster buses, could give an octopus or a monkey a run for its money. With arms flailing like the wind, and voices screaming their various destinations, the bus conductors are like maestros conducting a symphony on Lagos's chaotic roads.

Beyond their incongruous music of destinations, how these guys keep their stamina intact, despite screaming from early in the morning to late in the night, should be studied at the university.

Picture this: a danfo bus hurtles down the chaotic Lagos streets, and there, on its tail, is a conductor in hot pursuit. Like a sprinter at the Olympics, he's shouting out the destinations with the fervour of a street preacher on a mission. "Jibowu! Yaba! Yaba! Yaba! Jibowu! Yaba! Yaba! Yaba!" he bellows, his voice a mix of musical urgency and exuberance.

Passengers, wide-eyed and slightly awestruck, scramble to get on board. The conductor's arms become a blur of motion, effortlessly directing the passengers into the bus, like a classical music conductor in a trance while conducting an orchestra. It's a ballet of chaos and coordination, a sight to behold.

And let's not forget their uncanny ability to read the minds of commuters. "Oshodi? Oshodi?" One conductor approached me the other day at Costain, inquiring about my destination. It's as though he had direct knowledge of my travel intentions because that's truly where I was heading. Though, at times their guess is wrong, most times they get it right.

Besides their prehensile prowess, incredible screaming performances, and mind-reading skills, many Lagos bus conductors are uncouth and possess a unique trait of craziness that matches the uncouth, craziness of Lagos passengers and demented roads. They are harbingers of street lingo—they have unique slang and words they use daily. Most of their slang segues into Nigerian pop culture, take 'Trabaye' or 'Jogor', for instance. These conductors are also stand-up (abi na sit down?) comedians.

The true marvel of these bus conductors lies in their spatial awareness. Maneuvering through packed buses in busy bus stops, they can contort their bodies like a Cirque du Soleil performer or Houdini, expertly avoiding vehicles, humans, umbrellas, and backpacks. It's a dance of dexterity, a masterclass in mobility.

When next you find yourself in the hustle and bustle of Lagos, take a moment to appreciate the unsung heroes of the streets—the bus conductors. They're not just conductors; they're maestros of motion, sprinters of the streets, mind-readers, and magicians extraordinaire.

Note: I'm currently in between jobs. I would appreciate any writing gigs or a full-time position as a writer or editor at a publication. Thanks.