How Lagos Runs from Urine To Faeces

New Lagos's panegyric should be "Lagos runs from urine to faeces".

Whenever nature calls, many Lagosians often scurry to a nearby gutter, canal, wall, or bridge to dispose of their urine or feces. Yes, that's how Lagosians roll. 

Well, well, well, open urination or defecation is the age-long rite of Lagosians. Yes, you heard it right! When nature calls, many Lagosians don't yearn for a fancy-schmancy indoor plumbing system when they have the whole great outdoors at their disposal. (But hey, who needs public restrooms when you have the whole city space as your toilet?)

The level of creativity, intelligence, and zest Lagosians put into their public urination or defecation needs to be studied in various universities across the country. The Course should be titled "Public Urination and Defecation: A Study of Lagos's Rite of Honour". 

Let's face it, finding a public restroom in Lagos is a daunting task. It's a duty that requires a level of skill and cunning that's usually reserved for only the most elite of treasure hunters. So, it's no surprise that many Lagosians have taken to the streets (and sometimes, the walls. All hail the walls!) to take a lick.  

If you're a newcomer in Lagos, you might be surprised to see men (and sometimes women) lining up at random street corners, behind or beside vehicles, whipping out their members, and letting it all hangout or loose for the world to see. But don't be alarmed! This is just how we roll in Lagos. We don't let something as trivial as social norms and common decency get in the way of our bodily functions (God forbid bad things)!

Sometime last week, a friend and I were walking around the Oyigbo Market when a woman ran in front of us like a possessed chicken. She hurriedly pulled down her jeans, bent forward, and released a torrent of urine on the concrete slab of the newly constructed bridge. One of the men walking behind us screamed "Aah!". But the woman didn't care, her "piss of mind" was her major concern at that moment. Everyone minded their business when the woman was releasing her piss of mind by the bridge. After all, scientists are yet to discover the toxicity of urine on bridges and roads, so the woman committed no crime. (Public Urination or defecation might be a crime in other countries, but in Lagos, it's a revered sport of high quality, a show of Lagosians' tenacity.)

(As for that man that screamed "Aah", perhaps he was a Johnny Just Come who hasn't witnessed the "Urine Run and Wonders" of Lagosians. Perhaps he is shocked by the woman's audacity to expose herself in public. No one cares. All we care about is our peace of mind and the protection of our eyes and nose from Fecal Trading and Urine Thanksgiving.)

Let's not forget the artistic flair some Lagosians bring to their public urination performances. The city is full of walls that have been transformed into canvases, with beautifully intricate designs made entirely of urine. It's like a modern-day version of the Sistine Chapel, except instead of Michelangelo, we have a bunch of dudes with weak bladders. If these walls could talk, they would have cast an eternal spell of 'No Peeing' on these Artists of Urine for designing them with urine. 

Let's not forget the social aspect of open urination in Lagos. It's not just a bodily function, it's a way of life. It's a chance to bond with your fellow Lagosians, to exchange a knowing nod or a cheeky smile as you both take care of business on the side of the road. It's a chance to show off your impressive range, to aim for that one spot on the wall that's just out of reach. And let's not forget the element of surprise - you never know when you'll turn a corner and come face-to-face with someone mid-stream. 

Many walls, bridges, and canals in Lagos are communal centres for Urine and Faeces Conferences. It's appalling how these men sing hymns or praise and worship or soccer or politics while running their Urine/Faeces Businesses.

The other day I was walking by the Tejuosho Market when a man hastily crossed the road and stopped by a wall. He quickly dug his hand into his trousers, brought out his member, and angrily designed the walls with urine. He arched his back and aimed at the uppermost part of the wall with no touch of urine. He chuckled to himself when he hit the bullseye (What a mighty man he was). As he was fastening his belt, another man joined him. They quickly shake hands and bump shoulders. The first man left; the other man unfasten his belt, brought out his penis, and let fly a spring of urine on the wall. 

What else can I say? Open urination or defecation is an outstanding spectacle that you just can't miss in Lagos! Whether you're walking down the street, sitting in traffic, or waiting for a bus, you're bound to witness at least one person answering the call of nature in public. 

Open urination and defecation are tools of the trade for Lagos's public transport drivers and conductors. In April of last year, I was going to the National Art Theatre in Iganmu to see a play titled Dis-Loyal Judas directed by the dancer and actor Segun Adefila, the leader of the Crown Troupe. As I got closer to the theatre, I saw a danfo standing by the canals, his conductor furiously glancing around as though he wanted to perform a dirty act. Anxious, I glanced around, making sure I'm not walking into a trap. My eyes caught the driver who was having a field day behind the bus. The conductor served as a spy for the driver; he only pretended as though he wasn't part of the scheme. I smiled as I stared at the conductor, who pretended to be ashamed of the driver's contribution of his own quota to the murky and smelling canals. "I don tell am make him stop to dey take all the yeye agbo but him no hear (I have told him to stop taking all these stupid herbal condiments but he won't listen)," the conductor said. 

Last December, I was at my barbershop waiting to have my haircut. I was playing Dream League Soccer on my phone when I overheard a lady telling her friend that she peed in the water at a beach when she and her friends went there the previous year. "Ehn…na wetin I hear?" I said to myself. As though reading my mind, the lady repeated what she said and painted a clearer picture of the scenario. "After I ate a lot of ponmo and meat, and drank three or four bottles of beer, I ran into the water to swim," she explained. "As I was swimming, piss catch me. I looked around, and I nor see where I go piss. I kukuma piss inside the water." 

"Hmmm, Iyanma," I whispered to myself. 

The lady caught my lips but couldn't read it. Omo, I throway face like sey I nor hear wetin she yarn o. 

Urinating in public is not solely a business of the poor, wealthy people also peddle the trade, Oyinbo sef dey do am. I once caught a well-groomed man taking a lick by a car on Victoria Island. And Lekki is the highbrow area for Lagos's Public Leaking Seminars. 

Pedestrian bridges are now modern restrooms for many Lagosians, especially hoodlums who reside on the bridges. To protect their nostrils from the stench of urination and defecation on those bridges, many well-meaning Lagosians abandoned the pedestrian bridges for the highway. 

Now, I know what you're thinking. "But isn't public urination illegal?" Well, yes, technically it is. But in Lagos, the law against public urination is about as enforced as a "No Parking" sign in a busy market. And besides, if you gotta go, you gotta go, right? Besides, those who are supposed to enforce the law are also guilty of pissing in the street. Yeah, it's called "pissing for the piss to rain". After all, Lagos needs water to thrive. So, all join. 

But all jokes aside, public urination is a serious issue in Lagos. Not only is it unsanitary and a public nuisance, but it's also illegal (or legal?). So there you have it, guys. Public urination in Lagos, Nigeria, may not be the most glamorous aspect of city life, but it's certainly one of the most...memorable. So next time you're in Lagos, keep your eyes peeled and your nose plugged because you never know what you might see (or smell).

While public urination may be a common sight in Lagos, it's not something to be proud of. So, let's all do our part to keep the city clean and urine-free. And if you absolutely must go, please, for the love of all things holy, find a proper restroom. Your fellow Lagosians (and their noses) will thank you for it.

And, no, I'm not a piss detective. So, piss off.

Piss, I'm out.

Postscript: 

Some years ago, I wrote a piece titled The unruly lives of Lagos' penises. The piece gives a mild but satirical look at the ignoble act of how the boys/men of Lagos urinate in public places. Unfortunately, many years later, here I am, still writing about the despicable act.